Dear Hollywood,
The season of tentpoles and blockbusters is nigh. As happens every summer, there will be one or two sleepers, a similar number of catastrophic flops, and an overwhelming majority of films that break even with their astronomical production and marketing budgets. In your attempts to avoid the ignominy that comes with losing 50-150 million dollars for your studio, please heed the advice that follows. Unless you got your hands on the golden gooses that are Marvel and DC comic book adaptations, it is in your best interest to avoid casting these men:
1) The Hemsworth Brothers: Every time I see a trailer with one of these dudes as the lead, I think to myself, "How in the fuck does the studio plan on pushing a movie with no one that I have ever seen?" After I ask myself this question, I inevitably go to imdb to look at the cast and see either Thor or Miley Cyrus's ex-fiance listed. These guys are so fucking devoid of charisma and personality that everytime I see them it's as if I am looking at them for the first time. They are nothing more than an amalgam of all the good looking faces and bodies that come to Hollywood to hit it big. If you don't want your film to tank, avoid the Hemsworth boys at all costs.
2) Charlie Hunnam: Guillermo Del Toro royally screwed himself by casting Hunnam as the lead in Pacific Rim. Hunnam got his shot and fucked it up, but then you were ready to give him another one as the male lead in 50 Shades of Grey? What the fuck is wrong with you people?! You're lucky this asshole decided he had too full of a schedule to shoot that film. Otherwise you would have screwed yourself out of a gimme at the box office.
3) Garrett Hedlund: Not as bad as the previous men, but, if you put him in a lineup with them, I would not be able to tell the difference. Tron: Legacy didn't flop, but that has more to do with Joseph Kosinski's raw potential as a director. While casting Hedlund doesn't guarantee your film will flop like that other guys, he is a HUGE risk, so proceed with caution.
The season of tentpoles and blockbusters is nigh. As happens every summer, there will be one or two sleepers, a similar number of catastrophic flops, and an overwhelming majority of films that break even with their astronomical production and marketing budgets. In your attempts to avoid the ignominy that comes with losing 50-150 million dollars for your studio, please heed the advice that follows. Unless you got your hands on the golden gooses that are Marvel and DC comic book adaptations, it is in your best interest to avoid casting these men:
1) The Hemsworth Brothers: Every time I see a trailer with one of these dudes as the lead, I think to myself, "How in the fuck does the studio plan on pushing a movie with no one that I have ever seen?" After I ask myself this question, I inevitably go to imdb to look at the cast and see either Thor or Miley Cyrus's ex-fiance listed. These guys are so fucking devoid of charisma and personality that everytime I see them it's as if I am looking at them for the first time. They are nothing more than an amalgam of all the good looking faces and bodies that come to Hollywood to hit it big. If you don't want your film to tank, avoid the Hemsworth boys at all costs.
2) Charlie Hunnam: Guillermo Del Toro royally screwed himself by casting Hunnam as the lead in Pacific Rim. Hunnam got his shot and fucked it up, but then you were ready to give him another one as the male lead in 50 Shades of Grey? What the fuck is wrong with you people?! You're lucky this asshole decided he had too full of a schedule to shoot that film. Otherwise you would have screwed yourself out of a gimme at the box office.
3) Garrett Hedlund: Not as bad as the previous men, but, if you put him in a lineup with them, I would not be able to tell the difference. Tron: Legacy didn't flop, but that has more to do with Joseph Kosinski's raw potential as a director. While casting Hedlund doesn't guarantee your film will flop like that other guys, he is a HUGE risk, so proceed with caution.
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